This I Believe

           I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is what saved me from an eating disorder that would have killed me.

Eating Disorder Awareness Symbol

            Before my baptism, I had been in and out of treatment for depression and an eating disorder since I was twelve years old. I remember having low self-esteem since I was in kindergarten and assumed it would never get better. I measured my life’s worth in numbers – the number on the scale, the number of calories I ate, the duration of time I ran, the number of diet pills I took each day and so on. I struggled for years with wanting to be “good enough,” and I had no idea why.

            When people ask me why I struggled with an eating disorder, I feel as if they could just as well be asking someone how they think they developed cancer. Some people have general ideas of why eating disorders develop, but it is still difficult to pinpoint. I am not proud of the fact that I struggled with an eating disorder; however, I am proud of the fact that I am living in recovery. Satan entered my life through my addictions before I even knew that the church existed.

            After attending an eating disorder treatment program for two years, my habits got so out of control that I was flirting with death a week before I came across the Word of Wisdom online. My therapist and medical doctor responded by putting me on a medical hold that saved my life. I called the Sister missionaries before I was even discharged from the hospital. Picking up that phone and calling the Sisters was the first real decision I’d made towards bettering myself.

            I believe my past has given me a strong testimony. This gospel has blessed me with the strength to move forward instead of backwards. My experience with an eating disorder and Mormonism together ended up blessing me with lifelong relationships. For example, my therapist from treatment ended up being a Latter-day Saint.  Out of the 25 therapists in the building, I was blessed with a therapist who was Mormon. If someone had told me that at the end of my years in treatment I’d be in the same church as my therapist, I would have laughed. Nevertheless, God had a plan that neither of us saw coming. After I joined the church by entering the waters of baptism, she helped me further my healing by bringing the Book of Mormon and church counsel into our therapy sessions. Eventually I saw her less frequently as a therapist and more frequently as a stake Relief Society President. I lost her as a medical professional and gained her as a friend. She is definitely an unexpected blessing along with joining the church.

            Three years ago I never would have guessed the Word of Wisdom would matter to me, I cling to the Word of Wisdom like a child holds on to a teddy bear. I still have eating disordered thoughts every once in a blue moon, but it’s normally related to stress or the time of year. As long as my faith remains stronger than my disorder, I know I cannot fail. Addictions are like Satan, but I choose to terminate Satan with my conversion.

            I believe that my eating disorder could have killed me, but it didn’t. Instead, the hardest trial of my life led me to a blessing bigger than I ever thought possible: my conversion. 

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

The Little Things

"As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves." ("Of Things That Matter Most," Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2010)

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get down on myself for not doing or being good enough. I constantly tell myself that I need to communicate better, or be a better wife, or be a better employee. I tell myself that I need to strive to become a better Christ follower by being a better human being. I know that it is healthy and more than necessary to have goals, especially when it comes to growing spiritually; as Larry R.  Lawrence explained, "We will have to go beyond the grave before we actually reach perfection, but here in mortality we can lay the foundation."("What Lack I Yet?," Larry R. Lawrence, 2015).

Lately I have been pondering my Spiritual Foundation, and I thought to myself, "what if I am looking too close at the big things, when really I should be looking at the little ones? Instead of focusing on the big things that I feel I am doing wrong, why not reflect on the little things I am doing right?" I am not suggesting that we should neglect the idea of progression when it comes to our Spiritual Foundation. You should pray to know how you can improve as a Christ follower, but you should also pray to recognize what you've done to make Heavenly Father proud of you as you are right now. 

Brothers and Sisters - the little things you do can make a remarkable difference.

My husband and I live in Utah while my family lives 18 hours away in Minnesota, so I try to call my parents at least ones a week. A few weeks ago my mom and I were talking on the phone about my two younger brothers, Tanner and Skyler. Let me tell you - my two grade school brothers are honestly the busiest people I have ever met. I seriously don't even understand how they sleep at night. Both of them literally play every sport in the history of sports: basketball, football, soccer, hockey...the list goes on and on. My family is not a member of the church. My brothers go to a Catholic school, and I attended the same Catholic school from first to eighth grade. When I was talking on the phone with my mom, she suddenly said "Hey Vannessa, do you remember that Faith Hero project you had to do when you were in fourth grade? Well, Skyler is doing that project right now, and he chose you as his Faith Hero."  

I remember instantly growing teary eyed. I was so surprised! I remember thinking "What have I done to deserve this?" My mom then explained that she had no idea that he even had homework that night, until she got an email from his teacher expressing that the students needed to choose a Faith Hero to write about. My mom, assuming that Skyler wanted to get out of doing homework, confronted Skyler about the project. He responded with, "Mom, I already chose my Faith Hero. I chose Vannessa." When I heard this my mind briefly flashed back to when I was living in Minnesota and was just recently baptized. I thought about the many Sunday's when I would walk upstairs in my church clothes, and Skyler would curiously say, "Sissy, are you going to church again?" I would tell him yes and explain that I would be back later. Come again the next Sunday and I would get the same question from him: "Are you going to the Mormon church again?" He always thought it was interesting that I went to church for three hours instead of one.

When I came home from church, I would often come home and sit on the couch and read the Book of Mormon while my family watched the latest football game. A lot of the time Skyler would come and sit next to me. Sometimes he would ask questions, other times he would just sit and look at the pages as I read. I remember chucking as he stated, "You read the Book of Mormon a lot!"

In January of last year, my fiance, Ethan (now husband), left Minnesota to attend spring semester at BYU. I stayed home with my family in order to work and save money before we got married the following August. Ethan and I would frequently skype each other and read scripture together. More often than not, Skyler would knock hesitantly on my door, with his then-toothless smile on his face. He would walk slowly to my bed and shyly say, "Are you reading the Book of Mormon together? Can I read it too?" And he would.

Brothers and Sisters - I am sharing this to let you know that those "little" things you do - such as read your scriptures in your living room while your family watches football - THEY MATTER. I chose to read my scriptures in my living room, and it sparked some curiosity out of a nine year old boy. God is soo great! I didn't even think anything of these experiences until he chose me to be his Faith Hero, but skyping my husband and reading scriptures in my living room ended up making a surprising impact on my younger brother. The Book of Mormon helped me bond with him! In fact, the Book of Mormon, my baptism, all of it has brought me closer to my family. 

Do the best you can where you are right now. If you have Heavenly Father by your side, chances are you are doing better than you think.

I am not writing this to say that I think my brother is going to jump into the waters of baptism - that is not up to me to decide. I am writing this to testify that the Book of Mormon can change your life if you let it do so. Because of my choice to read the Book of Mormon, a choice that seemed rather small and simple to me, my brother grew curious, and we grew closer.

So keep doing the little things, even if they seem simple to you. Heavenly Father may use these little things for something bigger than you could ever imagine.

From Addicted to Converted

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

When the church released their 12 Steps to Change video series, I immediately found myself putting on my headphones and watching each video. They brought me to tears. Not just because of the stories shared, but because they reminded me so much of myself. They reminded me of the experiences I had before I discovered the church; how just weeks before I reached out to the missionaries I'd almost lost my life from my habits. By opening up and sharing some personal experiences, I am hoping to spread the message that the gospel can heal all afflictions if you let the gospel work in your life. In order for the gospel to work in your life, you have to be willing to let it change you if necessary. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be willing. Life was a fight from the moment I came into this world. I was born almost four months early at one pound eight ounces. My parents were constantly sharing stories of their miracle baby, though I didn't feel like a miracle. I felt like a burden, and I didn't know why. Somewhere between the tiaras and dolls, these feelings triggered a major depression at a young age. Because of my mental health I was hospitalized and in residential treatment center all before the age of thirteen. During residential treatment I learned coping skills, the importance of asserting your needs, and a bit more about Vannessa. It was helpful for awhile, but I had another problem that I wasn't aware of at the time. "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend" (Jeffrey R. Holland). It started out with skipping meals. I remember stepping on the scale and seeing the number had decreased, and I felt overwhelmed with happiness. I was proud of myself; I was finally doing something "right." I started living for numbers. I wanted to weigh X pounds by eating X amount of calories, exercising X amount of time at the gym and purging X amount of times throughout the day. I would wake up early to go run, and exercise in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. Eventually I started using laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills. I would drink nothing but coffee and diet coke. I was masking the pain of past abuse by abusing myself. I guess you could say I was hiding behind my addictions. After struggling for longer than I'll admit, I finally sought help for my problems through a treatment center for eating disorders when I was eighteen. Little did a know that the next two years of treatment would be the longest, most life changing years of my life. Before I called the missionaries, I remember sitting in the hospital shaking and crying, physically aching to do eating disorder behaviors. I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to keep going. Like they said in the 12 Steps to Change videos, it took hitting rock bottom for me to realize what I was doing. After two years of being in and out of treatment, I unknowingly hit the first of the twelve steps to change: honesty. The doctor had told me that I had maybe a week of living with my habits of eating little, getting rid of food, and over exercising before I wouldn't wake up again. I knew that I wouldn't make it far without doing myself a favor - which was discovering that my life has meaning. Discovering the gospel helped me realize what it meant to be whole and complete. I remember telling myself "You were born at one pound eight ounces. People say you were a miracle baby. Why do you keep treating your life like it has no value?" I finally realized that my life was a gift. It's about time that I treated it like one. Recovery isn't easy. I didn't just wake up one morning, read the Book of Mormon and become magically healed. Addiction, like Satan, can be tricky. I have to make a choice every day, every meal. And if I ever make the wrong choice, I fight with every ounce of my being to try again tomorrow. So what do I do when living in recovery gets hard? When the adversary causes feelings of inadequacy, I remember that Jesus has felt every emotion that I have or ever will feel. When I feel hopeless or stressed, I remember that Jesus has felt that. If I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I remember that Jesus has felt that way too. Jesus was perfect; He didn't have to suffer, He chose to suffer both physically and emotionally because He loves us. He loves us more than we will ever be able to grasp. He suffered for us because He wanted to be able to honestly say, "Yes, my child, I have been there too. I know that this trial is hard. Keep me and my Father close. We will help you through this difficult time." When Satan tells me that I should use eating disorder behaviors, I cling to the Word of Wisdom like a child holds on to a teddy bear. I remind myself of the temple and how I want to be worthy to attend. I tell myself that the gospel is like oxygen, I won't live without it. I can't survive without spiritual or nutritional nourishment. So I try my best to improve in the gospel instead of decreasing the number on a scale. God is my Shepherd, and I am His sheep; I know He will not let me go astray without leading me back to Him. God has a plan for my life that is greater than I could ever imagine for myself. His timing always has and always will be better than my own. If you are struggling with addiction, I encourage you to hold on. Keep fighting and keep moving. The road to recovery may seem foggy at times, but it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible with God. Your Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ, will be there for you every step of the way. The atonement is there for each and every one of us. Choose to embrace it! No matter what we go through in this mortal life, we do not have to be strong all of the time. It is not bad to acknowledge our weaknesses. "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble" (Ether 12:27). I am not perfect. I screw up. I make mistakes. I get down on myself for things that I shouldn't. But I know that I'm blessed with a merciful God who gives us tomorrow's so we can try again. I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, and that is more than enough. What will you do today in order to show God that you love Him, by loving yourself? "In the sight of the Lord, it is not so much what we have done or where we have been but much more where we are willing to go" (Elder Edward Dube).

Courtesy of LDS Church

My Testimony

Hello! My name is Vannessa Gunnell, and I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am a relatively new convert (about a year and a half). I used to really like writing in grade-school, so I figured I could attempt to write my experiences and explore my appreciation for the gospel through blogging. I am praying that writing about the gospel will not only bring me closer to my Father in Heaven, but help me learn more of Him. But in order to start, I have to briefly explain how I discovered the church myself.

"Yea, even that ye would have so much faith as even to plant the word in your hearts, that ye may try the experiment of its goodness." - Alma 34:4

Life is full of challenges. Each of us can testify to that. Before I had discovered the church, I had been going through some particularly hard challenges. I was battling habits that I didn't think I would ever be able to shake off, nor did I have the desire to try. I was raised a Catholic. Well, by "raised" a Catholic I mean that we went to church twice a year. I had tried going to different churches throughout my life. I guess you could say I was "church hopping." Each of the churches I went to were great, but they didn't stick. I have always known that I believed in God and I believed in Christ, but where was He when times were rough? When I was deep into my habits, I wanted next to nothing to do with religion. I didn't see how God would help me, because He didn't seem to be there at all. After years of struggling with these habits and addictions, I ended up in an extremely tough spot. These habits had often ended up with me in the hospital, and that's where I was at this time. But this hospital stay was different in more ways than one. I had a recurring thought, and it said: "you are not going to get through any of this without something to believe in." Now, the "old" Vannessa (meaning Vannessa before the gospel) would tell you that I still didn't want to change after I had this thought. However, I can tell you now that this was the thought that triggered a light of desire. That light was very dim at this point, but it was there.

While I was still in the hospital, I spent my free time googling about different forms of Christianity, and I came across the Word of Wisdom from Mormonism.  For those of you who don't know, the Word of Wisdom is the Mormon belief of taking care of yourself. It entails not drinking coffee/tea, staying away from substances such as alcohol and drugs, getting the proper amount of sleep and exercise, etc. "Your body is the instrument of your mind.  In your emotions, the spirit and the body come closest to being one.  What you learn spiritually depends, to a degree, on how you treat your body" (Boyd K. Packer). Obviously, anybody can make good health choices. Anyone can choose not to drink alcohol or coffee, with or without a religion. But it was something I felt made sense for me at the time, and I grew curious. So, while I was still in the hospital, I called the missionaries and scheduled a meeting with them to ask some questions.

"Let them go two by two, and thus let them preach by the way in every congregation, baptizing by water, and the laying on of the hands by the water’s side." D&C 52:10

I met with the missionaries as soon as I was released from the hospital. The only person who knew about my meeting was my mom (she was driving me around at the time, I wasn't able to drive by myself when I was first discharged). I did not want anybody to know that I was meeting with them. Now when you read that, you may think I was embarrassed. I wasn't. I just wanted my investigation to be something that I did on my own without the influence of others. Ironically enough, the missionaries and I decided to meet at a coffee shop called Caribou. I remember going and ordering a drink before I sat down with the missionaries at the table. It was nice out, so they were sitting outside. I remember the first thing I said was: "Don't worry. It's just hot chocolate." They laughed and said, "we wouldn't judge you if you had coffee."

The missionaries’ names were Sister Pead and Sister Hulet. Missionaries are men (elders) or women (sisters) who choose to go to another state or country for eighteen months to two years in order to help spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. Sister Pead and Sister Hulet were assigned to serve a mission in Minnesota, and they were in my area at the time. And boy am I glad they were.

Now many current or past missionaries have told me, "when serving a mission people will tell you their life story after you meet them while walking across the street." Well I was not someone to tell these girls too much about myself right when I met them. I focused mainly on asking questions, learning about them and learning about what they believed in for the first few times we met. Eventually these two sisters became people I felt comfortable enough to call every day and cry to. I was still struggling with my habits when I met them, but when they gave me my first Book of Mormon, I started reading it in place of my addictions. It took some time, but after years of struggling with things that I assumed would always be there, I started to see the world through a different lens. I didn't think I would ever live without my habits because I thought they made me "who I was." But reading the Book of Mormon helped me see that my life was worth so much more than I ever thought possible. The missionaries told me to read my Book of Mormon and to pray if it was true, and I did just that. I didn't even fully understand what I was reading and I knew that it was true! Why? Because I wanted to keep reading it. And continuing to read that book meant I had to keep choosing to try. I knew what I was reading was true before I finished the entire book! The day I stepped into that coffee shop to meet with the sisters the first time, I was forever changed; without me even realizing it. I didn't change because the missionaries told me to, I changed because I finally had the form of help that I was lacking: the restored gospel. Did the trials I was facing in life go away after reading a chapter out of book that made next to zero sense to me at the time? Absolutely not. It took a continuous effort. But my way of thinking, my way of living, and my attitude changed 100%. And I know I didn't get to that point of change on my own. That's what made me sit with the missionaries in the coffee shop, maybe three weeks after first meeting them, and say "what do I have to do in order to get baptized?"

 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. - D&C 9:8

Doctrine and Covenants 9:8 is the scripture that I'd unexpectedly flipped to when I was praying about being baptized. I literally just flipped to a random page scripture after an earnest prayer, and that's where my fingers lead me. And wildly enough, yes, my chest did burn. Not only did my chest burn, but I felt unbelievably complete. I felt whole. The words "whole" and "complete" don't even come close to describing the feelings I was experiencing in that moment. I just wanted to run outside and yell "THE RESTORED GOSPEL IS TRUEEEE!!!" to my entire neighborhood. That feeling was my first experience with the Spirit. I knew that getting baptized was something I needed to do because Heavenly Father confirmed it for me. Making the decision to be baptized was the first - and I mean the FIRST - decision I ever made without another human being influencing my decision. Sure, Sister Pead and Sister Hulet were there as support, but I made the decision to be baptized. Not my mom, not my dad, not a mental health professional, just me and God. And that surprised me because for the first time in a long time, I was making a healthy choice for myself. I was choosing to put my own needs first. I was choosing a better life. I was choosing to improve. And boy was that an amazing feeling.

"We don’t just try and try on our own to change. If we earnestly appeal to God, He takes us as we are—and makes us more than we ever imagined." - Neill F. Marriott

Since I became a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have received numerous Facebook messages and texts from Christian friends of mine who are not of the same faith. A few of them have expressed sadness and disappointment for my decision to become a Mormon, and others have asked “what made you do this? Are you still a Christian? Do you still read the bible?” Let me share my heart with you if you’re reading this: I love you and appreciate your messages. Yes, I am still a Christian. (The Church is called “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints”). Yes, I still read the bible. In fact, Mormons believe in almost everything that the average Christian believes, we just believe in some additional things along with that. The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ does not replace the bible in any way. We believe that it’s another testament of Jesus Christ. We read and love them both the same. If you still have questions, I invite you to visit Mormon.org for more information.

If you are still reading this, congratulations because this was really long! I love this gospel and I am so grateful for this church. This church has brought me many blessings and it still continues to do so. It helped me find my purpose and inspiration through the tough times. I am so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ, and I am happy to call him my brother and friend. I am blessed to have the Holy Ghost with me each moment of every day, and I am happy that I now know that “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here” (I Am a Child of God, Hymn #301).