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Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of forgiveness.
Discovering the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints helped me realize
that everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what the person may have done.
Jesus faced the ultimate form of betrayal from His Father’s children, yet he
chose to love and forgive them for their sins. I now understand that if Jesus Christ
can forgive and atone for man’s transgressions, then I can forgive the man who
raped me.
Years before I met with the missionaries, I was involved in an abusive
relationship. Like many people who are in an unhealthy partnership, I was completely
oblivious to the severity of the abuse when it was actually happening. I found
that the only way I could cope with my relationship with this man was by
letting my past demons explode. Behind closed doors, I was raped by the man who
said he loved me, and when it was over, I would punish myself by skipping
meals.
I was secretly aware of my eating disorder for years, but
the illness eventually consumed my entire life after the first time I was
raped. I remember stepping on the scale, seeing that I’d lost three pounds, and
feeling proud of myself for finally doing something that was “good enough.”
Being “enough” was all I wanted to be, especially when it
came to my relationship with this man. I would later learn that my insecurities
were not the problem, they were his leverage. After this man would rape me, he
would always acknowledge what he’d done and apologize for it. It’s amazing how
the words “I’m sorry,” caused me to forget the most horrific mistakes.
Every single time he said the words those two words, I would completely forget
the rape ever took place, even though it would happen again and again.
"Rape is
a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of
sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person's
consent." Rape is a serious crime that often goes unreported, and believe
it or not, the crime doesn't always involve a stranger wearing a ski mask in a
dark alley. In fact, majority of the rapes reported are committed by somebody
that the victim knows. Whether it's a significant other, a cousin, or an
authority figure. If the victim is close to their rapist, it can often take
years, if not a lifetime, for them to escape.
With a lot of professional support and protection, I
eventually broke free from the abuse from the boyfriend, but it took much
longer to break free from the abuse I was inflicting upon myself. I wanted to
disappear. I didn't recognize myself anymore. The man told me I was worth
nothing, and even though I had been telling myself that for years, hearing it
from somebody who said they loved me made it feel more true. Was I worthy of
love? Was I worthy of happiness? At the time, I didn’t think so.
I never thought I would ever feel true happiness, but
I was wrong. After years of uncertainty, I finally found peace. Not in a
relationship with a man, or in the approval of a mirror, but in the restored
gospel. When I discovered the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my
life completely changed. Obviously, it didn’t change overnight. I still had to
go to a treatment center to improve my eating habits, and cried many tears
because of my past, but instead of making myself numb to emotions, I was
finally allowing myself to feel. I was finding the puzzle pieces that had been
missing, and including them into my life. Because of the Book of Mormon and
restored gospel, my life went from broken and unorganized, to imperfectly
beautiful. Discovering the restored gospel helped me see that I would never
have to do hard things alone.
Eight months after my baptism, I received a phone call
asking to do an interview with a detective, and I immediately knew what it was
about. When I got to the interview, the detective turned on his tape recorder,
and informed me that my ex-boyfriend was charged with raping another female.
The victim stated that the defendant mentioned my name before he proceeded to
commit the alleged crime. After explaining my story to the detective, I asked
him if it would help this man receive the proper consequences if I pressed
charges as well. When he said it wouldn’t hurt, I thought, “Do I really want to
do this?” As Elder Duncan explained in conference, "As human beings
we live in a fallen world, sometimes full of darkness and confusion"
(Elder Kevin R. Duncan, The Healing Anointment of Forgiveness, April 2016). I
had just joined the LDS church, was getting married, and doing well in
recovery. Did I really want to open the door to this painful part of my past?
After further discussion with the detective and my parents, I decided that I
should take action because my life had positively changed so much. The
gospel had changed and made me stronger, so I decided to press charges against
this man from my past. Now, just because the Church granted me the strength
that I didn’t have years before, does not mean that it was an easy road. I
remember calling my fiancé (at the time) in the middle of the night because of
a nightmare. I would call my therapist in a panic because of a haunting memory
that would not leave my mind. Thankfully, with the help of my family, bishop,
husband, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I made it through this difficult
time of pressing charges. I wasn’t the scared girl I was years before the
relationship even took place. I was converted. I was changed. I now knew that,
“He, [God], could heal the wounded soul.” Pressing charges brought up a lot of
hard feelings, but I knew that I was doing the right thing, not only for other
women, but for the defendant.
I realized that in order for the man to have the opportunity to change and
improve, he needed to be stopped. God gave us agency, and because of that gift,
He allows earthly consequences to happen for unacceptable sin. During the
year that it took for a final conclusion to be made about the case, my rapist
made bail, which only caused my worries to intensify. I had moments of fear and
weakness, but I trusted that God would cause for the situation to work out the
way it was supposed to. It would just take some time.
Just like it took time for the case to close, it took the time for me to learn
to forgive. It took time for me to learn that just because I chose to forgive
my rapist, does not mean that he could avoid punishment and justice would not
be served. I later learned that choosing forgiveness was not necessarily
setting my rapist free from consequence, but it was setting me free
from unnecessary setbacks in my life. When it comes to forgiveness, Elder
Kevin R. Duncan counsels, “try to see [the person who needs forgiveness] as God
does.” For me, one of the ultimate forms of forgiveness was to commit to
a life of not harming myself because of what happened to me. Instead, I decided
to use my past experiences to help somebody else. I decided to have hope that
this person would someday live a life that wasn’t surrounded by sin. I decided
to pray that the man would change his habits and lifestyle in God's own way and
timing.
The Book of Mormon was what triggered me to change my lifestyle. Without it, I
wouldn’t have had the strength to recover from my addictions or pursue through
this legal matter. Fortunately, the defendant was sentenced to the minimum of
ten years in prison, and a lifetime of being a registered sex offender.
The day I found out about the sentencing, I felt prompted to send the
Book of Mormon to the sentenced man. Even though I know there are missionaries
who visit prisons, I decided to do it anyway. Why should I wait and hope that
other people follow through with a prompting that I had? I don’t know
what the man will do with the scripture, or if he will even receive it at all.
All I could do is follow through with the prompting. When I had that prompting
to send the man the Book of Mormon, I knew that I had forgiven him. Why? I knew
because instead of wishing something bad would happen to him in prison, I
wanted to send him the one thing that saved my life.
Forgiveness is not always an easy thing to do, but it is necessary in order to
be happy. Many victims of abuse struggle with self-esteem, addiction, and
trauma for the rest of their lives. I am fortunate enough to be able to say
otherwise. I still have hard days, but I’ve found happiness and healing in the
restored gospel. Without my Redeemer, I wouldn’t have found the strength
to seek justice. Without my God, I probably would have never forgiven my
rapist. Because of the LDS Church, I believe that “each of us should not be
defined by the worst thing we’ve ever done” (Kevin R. Duncan, April 2016).
"Forgiveness is a glorious, healing principle. We do not need to be a victim twice. We can forgive."
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| Instagram: @vannessagunnell |
If you've been raped by a stranger or someone you know, let me tell you this: it does not matter if you've been conscientiously intimate with the person before. It does not matter if it was violent or not. It doesn't matter if you were drunk, or if you were wearing a short skirt. No means no. It is not and never will be your fault.
FEATURED BLOG POST:
"From Addicted to Converted"
READ ELDER DUNCAN'S WORDS HERE:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng 
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