This I Believe

           I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is what saved me from an eating disorder that would have killed me.

Eating Disorder Awareness Symbol

            Before my baptism, I had been in and out of treatment for depression and an eating disorder since I was twelve years old. I remember having low self-esteem since I was in kindergarten and assumed it would never get better. I measured my life’s worth in numbers – the number on the scale, the number of calories I ate, the duration of time I ran, the number of diet pills I took each day and so on. I struggled for years with wanting to be “good enough,” and I had no idea why.

            When people ask me why I struggled with an eating disorder, I feel as if they could just as well be asking someone how they think they developed cancer. Some people have general ideas of why eating disorders develop, but it is still difficult to pinpoint. I am not proud of the fact that I struggled with an eating disorder; however, I am proud of the fact that I am living in recovery. Satan entered my life through my addictions before I even knew that the church existed.

            After attending an eating disorder treatment program for two years, my habits got so out of control that I was flirting with death a week before I came across the Word of Wisdom online. My therapist and medical doctor responded by putting me on a medical hold that saved my life. I called the Sister missionaries before I was even discharged from the hospital. Picking up that phone and calling the Sisters was the first real decision I’d made towards bettering myself.

            I believe my past has given me a strong testimony. This gospel has blessed me with the strength to move forward instead of backwards. My experience with an eating disorder and Mormonism together ended up blessing me with lifelong relationships. For example, my therapist from treatment ended up being a Latter-day Saint.  Out of the 25 therapists in the building, I was blessed with a therapist who was Mormon. If someone had told me that at the end of my years in treatment I’d be in the same church as my therapist, I would have laughed. Nevertheless, God had a plan that neither of us saw coming. After I joined the church by entering the waters of baptism, she helped me further my healing by bringing the Book of Mormon and church counsel into our therapy sessions. Eventually I saw her less frequently as a therapist and more frequently as a stake Relief Society President. I lost her as a medical professional and gained her as a friend. She is definitely an unexpected blessing along with joining the church.

            Three years ago I never would have guessed the Word of Wisdom would matter to me, I cling to the Word of Wisdom like a child holds on to a teddy bear. I still have eating disordered thoughts every once in a blue moon, but it’s normally related to stress or the time of year. As long as my faith remains stronger than my disorder, I know I cannot fail. Addictions are like Satan, but I choose to terminate Satan with my conversion.

            I believe that my eating disorder could have killed me, but it didn’t. Instead, the hardest trial of my life led me to a blessing bigger than I ever thought possible: my conversion. 

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