Jesus Helped Me Forgive My Rapist

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

       

         Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of forgiveness. Discovering the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints helped me realize that everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what the person may have done. Jesus faced the ultimate form of betrayal from His Father’s children, yet he chose to love and forgive them for their sins. I now understand that if Jesus Christ can forgive and atone for man’s transgressions, then I can forgive the man who raped me.

            Years before I met with the missionaries, I was involved in an abusive relationship. Like many people who are in an unhealthy partnership, I was completely oblivious to the severity of the abuse when it was actually happening. I found that the only way I could cope with my relationship with this man was by letting my past demons explode. Behind closed doors, I was raped by the man who said he loved me, and when it was over, I would punish myself by skipping meals.

          I was secretly aware of my eating disorder for years, but the illness eventually consumed my entire life after the first time I was raped. I remember stepping on the scale, seeing that I’d lost three pounds, and feeling proud of myself for finally doing something that was “good enough.”

       Being “enough” was all I wanted to be, especially when it came to my relationship with this man. I would later learn that my insecurities were not the problem, they were his leverage. After this man would rape me, he would always acknowledge what he’d done and apologize for it. It’s amazing how the words “I’m sorry,” caused me to forget the most horrific mistakes.  Every single time he said the words those two words, I would completely forget the rape ever took place, even though it would happen again and again.

       "Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person's consent." Rape is a serious crime that often goes unreported, and believe it or not, the crime doesn't always involve a stranger wearing a ski mask in a dark alley. In fact, majority of the rapes reported are committed by somebody that the victim knows. Whether it's a significant other, a cousin, or an authority figure. If the victim is close to their rapist, it can often take years, if not a lifetime, for them to escape.

         With a lot of professional support and protection, I eventually broke free from the abuse from the boyfriend, but it took much longer to break free from the abuse I was inflicting upon myself. I wanted to disappear. I didn't recognize myself anymore. The man told me I was worth nothing, and even though I had been telling myself that for years, hearing it from somebody who said they loved me made it feel more true. Was I worthy of love? Was I worthy of happiness? At the time, I didn’t think so.

          I never thought I would ever feel true happiness, but I was wrong. After years of uncertainty, I finally found peace. Not in a relationship with a man, or in the approval of a mirror, but in the restored gospel. When I discovered the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my life completely changed. Obviously, it didn’t change overnight. I still had to go to a treatment center to improve my eating habits, and cried many tears because of my past, but instead of making myself numb to emotions, I was finally allowing myself to feel. I was finding the puzzle pieces that had been missing, and including them into my life. Because of the Book of Mormon and restored gospel, my life went from broken and unorganized, to imperfectly beautiful. Discovering the restored gospel helped me see that I would never have to do hard things alone.  

          Eight months after my baptism, I received a phone call asking to do an interview with a detective, and I immediately knew what it was about. When I got to the interview, the detective turned on his tape recorder, and informed me that my ex-boyfriend was charged with raping another female. The victim stated that the defendant mentioned my name before he proceeded to commit the alleged crime. After explaining my story to the detective, I asked him if it would help this man receive the proper consequences if I pressed charges as well. When he said it wouldn’t hurt, I thought, “Do I really want to do this?”  As Elder Duncan explained in conference, "As human beings we live in a fallen world, sometimes full of darkness and confusion" (Elder Kevin R. Duncan, The Healing Anointment of Forgiveness, April 2016). I had just joined the LDS church, was getting married, and doing well in recovery. Did I really want to open the door to this painful part of my past?

            After further discussion with the detective and my parents, I decided that I should take action because my life had positively changed so much. The gospel had changed and made me stronger, so I decided to press charges against this man from my past. Now, just because the Church granted me the strength that I didn’t have years before, does not mean that it was an easy road. I remember calling my fiancé (at the time) in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. I would call my therapist in a panic because of a haunting memory that would not leave my mind. Thankfully, with the help of my family, bishop, husband, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I made it through this difficult time of pressing charges. I wasn’t the scared girl I was years before the relationship even took place. I was converted. I was changed. I now knew that, “He, [God], could heal the wounded soul.” Pressing charges brought up a lot of hard feelings, but I knew that I was doing the right thing, not only for other women, but for the defendant.

            I realized that in order for the man to have the opportunity to change and improve, he needed to be stopped. God gave us agency, and because of that gift, He allows earthly consequences to happen for unacceptable sin.  During the year that it took for a final conclusion to be made about the case, my rapist made bail, which only caused my worries to intensify. I had moments of fear and weakness, but I trusted that God would cause for the situation to work out the way it was supposed to. It would just take some time.

            Just like it took time for the case to close, it took the time for me to learn to forgive. It took time for me to learn that just because I chose to forgive my rapist, does not mean that he could avoid punishment and justice would not be served. I later learned that choosing forgiveness was not necessarily setting my rapist free from consequence, but it was setting me free from unnecessary setbacks in my life. When it comes to forgiveness, Elder Kevin R. Duncan counsels, “try to see [the person who needs forgiveness] as God does.”  For me, one of the ultimate forms of forgiveness was to commit to a life of not harming myself because of what happened to me. Instead, I decided to use my past experiences to help somebody else. I decided to have hope that this person would someday live a life that wasn’t surrounded by sin. I decided to pray that the man would change his habits and lifestyle in God's own way and timing.

            The Book of Mormon was what triggered me to change my lifestyle. Without it, I wouldn’t have had the strength to recover from my addictions or pursue through this legal matter. Fortunately, the defendant was sentenced to the minimum of ten years in prison, and a lifetime of being a registered sex offender.  The day I found out about the sentencing, I felt prompted to send the Book of Mormon to the sentenced man. Even though I know there are missionaries who visit prisons, I decided to do it anyway. Why should I wait and hope that other people follow through with a prompting that I had? I don’t know what the man will do with the scripture, or if he will even receive it at all. All I could do is follow through with the prompting. When I had that prompting to send the man the Book of Mormon, I knew that I had forgiven him. Why? I knew because instead of wishing something bad would happen to him in prison, I wanted to send him the one thing that saved my life.

            Forgiveness is not always an easy thing to do, but it is necessary in order to be happy. Many victims of abuse struggle with self-esteem, addiction, and trauma for the rest of their lives. I am fortunate enough to be able to say otherwise. I still have hard days, but I’ve found happiness and healing in the restored gospel.  Without my Redeemer, I wouldn’t have found the strength to seek justice. Without my God, I probably would have never forgiven my rapist. Because of the LDS Church, I believe that “each of us should not be defined by the worst thing we’ve ever done” (Kevin R. Duncan, April 2016).

 "Forgiveness is a glorious, healing principle. We do not need to be a victim twice. We can forgive."

          

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

         If you've been raped by a stranger or someone you know, let me tell you this: it does not matter if you've been conscientiously intimate with the person before. It does not matter if it was violent or not. It doesn't matter if you were drunk, or if you were wearing a short skirt. No means no. It is not and never will be your fault. 

  

FEATURED BLOG POST:

"From Addicted to Converted"

http://lifeofamormonconvert.blogspot.com/2016/01/from-addicted-to-converted.html

READ ELDER DUNCAN'S WORDS HERE:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

This I Believe

           I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is what saved me from an eating disorder that would have killed me.

Eating Disorder Awareness Symbol

            Before my baptism, I had been in and out of treatment for depression and an eating disorder since I was twelve years old. I remember having low self-esteem since I was in kindergarten and assumed it would never get better. I measured my life’s worth in numbers – the number on the scale, the number of calories I ate, the duration of time I ran, the number of diet pills I took each day and so on. I struggled for years with wanting to be “good enough,” and I had no idea why.

            When people ask me why I struggled with an eating disorder, I feel as if they could just as well be asking someone how they think they developed cancer. Some people have general ideas of why eating disorders develop, but it is still difficult to pinpoint. I am not proud of the fact that I struggled with an eating disorder; however, I am proud of the fact that I am living in recovery. Satan entered my life through my addictions before I even knew that the church existed.

            After attending an eating disorder treatment program for two years, my habits got so out of control that I was flirting with death a week before I came across the Word of Wisdom online. My therapist and medical doctor responded by putting me on a medical hold that saved my life. I called the Sister missionaries before I was even discharged from the hospital. Picking up that phone and calling the Sisters was the first real decision I’d made towards bettering myself.

            I believe my past has given me a strong testimony. This gospel has blessed me with the strength to move forward instead of backwards. My experience with an eating disorder and Mormonism together ended up blessing me with lifelong relationships. For example, my therapist from treatment ended up being a Latter-day Saint.  Out of the 25 therapists in the building, I was blessed with a therapist who was Mormon. If someone had told me that at the end of my years in treatment I’d be in the same church as my therapist, I would have laughed. Nevertheless, God had a plan that neither of us saw coming. After I joined the church by entering the waters of baptism, she helped me further my healing by bringing the Book of Mormon and church counsel into our therapy sessions. Eventually I saw her less frequently as a therapist and more frequently as a stake Relief Society President. I lost her as a medical professional and gained her as a friend. She is definitely an unexpected blessing along with joining the church.

            Three years ago I never would have guessed the Word of Wisdom would matter to me, I cling to the Word of Wisdom like a child holds on to a teddy bear. I still have eating disordered thoughts every once in a blue moon, but it’s normally related to stress or the time of year. As long as my faith remains stronger than my disorder, I know I cannot fail. Addictions are like Satan, but I choose to terminate Satan with my conversion.

            I believe that my eating disorder could have killed me, but it didn’t. Instead, the hardest trial of my life led me to a blessing bigger than I ever thought possible: my conversion. 

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

The Little Things

"As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves." ("Of Things That Matter Most," Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2010)

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get down on myself for not doing or being good enough. I constantly tell myself that I need to communicate better, or be a better wife, or be a better employee. I tell myself that I need to strive to become a better Christ follower by being a better human being. I know that it is healthy and more than necessary to have goals, especially when it comes to growing spiritually; as Larry R.  Lawrence explained, "We will have to go beyond the grave before we actually reach perfection, but here in mortality we can lay the foundation."("What Lack I Yet?," Larry R. Lawrence, 2015).

Lately I have been pondering my Spiritual Foundation, and I thought to myself, "what if I am looking too close at the big things, when really I should be looking at the little ones? Instead of focusing on the big things that I feel I am doing wrong, why not reflect on the little things I am doing right?" I am not suggesting that we should neglect the idea of progression when it comes to our Spiritual Foundation. You should pray to know how you can improve as a Christ follower, but you should also pray to recognize what you've done to make Heavenly Father proud of you as you are right now. 

Brothers and Sisters - the little things you do can make a remarkable difference.

My husband and I live in Utah while my family lives 18 hours away in Minnesota, so I try to call my parents at least ones a week. A few weeks ago my mom and I were talking on the phone about my two younger brothers, Tanner and Skyler. Let me tell you - my two grade school brothers are honestly the busiest people I have ever met. I seriously don't even understand how they sleep at night. Both of them literally play every sport in the history of sports: basketball, football, soccer, hockey...the list goes on and on. My family is not a member of the church. My brothers go to a Catholic school, and I attended the same Catholic school from first to eighth grade. When I was talking on the phone with my mom, she suddenly said "Hey Vannessa, do you remember that Faith Hero project you had to do when you were in fourth grade? Well, Skyler is doing that project right now, and he chose you as his Faith Hero."  

I remember instantly growing teary eyed. I was so surprised! I remember thinking "What have I done to deserve this?" My mom then explained that she had no idea that he even had homework that night, until she got an email from his teacher expressing that the students needed to choose a Faith Hero to write about. My mom, assuming that Skyler wanted to get out of doing homework, confronted Skyler about the project. He responded with, "Mom, I already chose my Faith Hero. I chose Vannessa." When I heard this my mind briefly flashed back to when I was living in Minnesota and was just recently baptized. I thought about the many Sunday's when I would walk upstairs in my church clothes, and Skyler would curiously say, "Sissy, are you going to church again?" I would tell him yes and explain that I would be back later. Come again the next Sunday and I would get the same question from him: "Are you going to the Mormon church again?" He always thought it was interesting that I went to church for three hours instead of one.

When I came home from church, I would often come home and sit on the couch and read the Book of Mormon while my family watched the latest football game. A lot of the time Skyler would come and sit next to me. Sometimes he would ask questions, other times he would just sit and look at the pages as I read. I remember chucking as he stated, "You read the Book of Mormon a lot!"

In January of last year, my fiance, Ethan (now husband), left Minnesota to attend spring semester at BYU. I stayed home with my family in order to work and save money before we got married the following August. Ethan and I would frequently skype each other and read scripture together. More often than not, Skyler would knock hesitantly on my door, with his then-toothless smile on his face. He would walk slowly to my bed and shyly say, "Are you reading the Book of Mormon together? Can I read it too?" And he would.

Brothers and Sisters - I am sharing this to let you know that those "little" things you do - such as read your scriptures in your living room while your family watches football - THEY MATTER. I chose to read my scriptures in my living room, and it sparked some curiosity out of a nine year old boy. God is soo great! I didn't even think anything of these experiences until he chose me to be his Faith Hero, but skyping my husband and reading scriptures in my living room ended up making a surprising impact on my younger brother. The Book of Mormon helped me bond with him! In fact, the Book of Mormon, my baptism, all of it has brought me closer to my family. 

Do the best you can where you are right now. If you have Heavenly Father by your side, chances are you are doing better than you think.

I am not writing this to say that I think my brother is going to jump into the waters of baptism - that is not up to me to decide. I am writing this to testify that the Book of Mormon can change your life if you let it do so. Because of my choice to read the Book of Mormon, a choice that seemed rather small and simple to me, my brother grew curious, and we grew closer.

So keep doing the little things, even if they seem simple to you. Heavenly Father may use these little things for something bigger than you could ever imagine.

From Addicted to Converted

Instagram: @vannessagunnell

When the church released their 12 Steps to Change video series, I immediately found myself putting on my headphones and watching each video. They brought me to tears. Not just because of the stories shared, but because they reminded me so much of myself. They reminded me of the experiences I had before I discovered the church; how just weeks before I reached out to the missionaries I'd almost lost my life from my habits. By opening up and sharing some personal experiences, I am hoping to spread the message that the gospel can heal all afflictions if you let the gospel work in your life. In order for the gospel to work in your life, you have to be willing to let it change you if necessary. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be willing. Life was a fight from the moment I came into this world. I was born almost four months early at one pound eight ounces. My parents were constantly sharing stories of their miracle baby, though I didn't feel like a miracle. I felt like a burden, and I didn't know why. Somewhere between the tiaras and dolls, these feelings triggered a major depression at a young age. Because of my mental health I was hospitalized and in residential treatment center all before the age of thirteen. During residential treatment I learned coping skills, the importance of asserting your needs, and a bit more about Vannessa. It was helpful for awhile, but I had another problem that I wasn't aware of at the time. "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend" (Jeffrey R. Holland). It started out with skipping meals. I remember stepping on the scale and seeing the number had decreased, and I felt overwhelmed with happiness. I was proud of myself; I was finally doing something "right." I started living for numbers. I wanted to weigh X pounds by eating X amount of calories, exercising X amount of time at the gym and purging X amount of times throughout the day. I would wake up early to go run, and exercise in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. Eventually I started using laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills. I would drink nothing but coffee and diet coke. I was masking the pain of past abuse by abusing myself. I guess you could say I was hiding behind my addictions. After struggling for longer than I'll admit, I finally sought help for my problems through a treatment center for eating disorders when I was eighteen. Little did a know that the next two years of treatment would be the longest, most life changing years of my life. Before I called the missionaries, I remember sitting in the hospital shaking and crying, physically aching to do eating disorder behaviors. I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to keep going. Like they said in the 12 Steps to Change videos, it took hitting rock bottom for me to realize what I was doing. After two years of being in and out of treatment, I unknowingly hit the first of the twelve steps to change: honesty. The doctor had told me that I had maybe a week of living with my habits of eating little, getting rid of food, and over exercising before I wouldn't wake up again. I knew that I wouldn't make it far without doing myself a favor - which was discovering that my life has meaning. Discovering the gospel helped me realize what it meant to be whole and complete. I remember telling myself "You were born at one pound eight ounces. People say you were a miracle baby. Why do you keep treating your life like it has no value?" I finally realized that my life was a gift. It's about time that I treated it like one. Recovery isn't easy. I didn't just wake up one morning, read the Book of Mormon and become magically healed. Addiction, like Satan, can be tricky. I have to make a choice every day, every meal. And if I ever make the wrong choice, I fight with every ounce of my being to try again tomorrow. So what do I do when living in recovery gets hard? When the adversary causes feelings of inadequacy, I remember that Jesus has felt every emotion that I have or ever will feel. When I feel hopeless or stressed, I remember that Jesus has felt that. If I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I remember that Jesus has felt that way too. Jesus was perfect; He didn't have to suffer, He chose to suffer both physically and emotionally because He loves us. He loves us more than we will ever be able to grasp. He suffered for us because He wanted to be able to honestly say, "Yes, my child, I have been there too. I know that this trial is hard. Keep me and my Father close. We will help you through this difficult time." When Satan tells me that I should use eating disorder behaviors, I cling to the Word of Wisdom like a child holds on to a teddy bear. I remind myself of the temple and how I want to be worthy to attend. I tell myself that the gospel is like oxygen, I won't live without it. I can't survive without spiritual or nutritional nourishment. So I try my best to improve in the gospel instead of decreasing the number on a scale. God is my Shepherd, and I am His sheep; I know He will not let me go astray without leading me back to Him. God has a plan for my life that is greater than I could ever imagine for myself. His timing always has and always will be better than my own. If you are struggling with addiction, I encourage you to hold on. Keep fighting and keep moving. The road to recovery may seem foggy at times, but it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible with God. Your Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ, will be there for you every step of the way. The atonement is there for each and every one of us. Choose to embrace it! No matter what we go through in this mortal life, we do not have to be strong all of the time. It is not bad to acknowledge our weaknesses. "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble" (Ether 12:27). I am not perfect. I screw up. I make mistakes. I get down on myself for things that I shouldn't. But I know that I'm blessed with a merciful God who gives us tomorrow's so we can try again. I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, and that is more than enough. What will you do today in order to show God that you love Him, by loving yourself? "In the sight of the Lord, it is not so much what we have done or where we have been but much more where we are willing to go" (Elder Edward Dube).

Courtesy of LDS Church